Some things have been weighing on my heart that I have been unable to verbalize. I haven't been able to write them down either, because I've been processing it all. In the midst of my processing, I truly believe the Lord has been convicting me on the core beliefs that I hold (really they play over and over again in my brain like a bad 80's song....but we've talked about that before *wink*) about Him and about myself.
Worth: 1. Value, 3. Importance; valuable qualities.
*American Dictionary of the English Language by Noah Webster 1828
My worth should not be tied to anything I do, say or create (either emotion, experience or material object). But, regardless of what is correct, I always trace other's responses (or lack thereof) or my current circumstances back to my worth.
I am not worth their time, energy, priority, investment, friendship, or love; let alone His Only Son.
I still cannot grasp that I am worth such a sacrifice. I am still trying to wrap my brain around why anyone wants to invest in me....even when I seemingly bring nothing to the table- except for some occasional humor. This is not meant to be a 'down in the dumps' kinda post. It is really just me processing more of my thoughts. The thoughts that are wrong. The thoughts that I've heard most of my life. I've tried to trace it back to 'that moment' when I picked up this tape that won't leave my brain. But, I can't. There are of course stories that haunt me from my past, memories that hold negative emotions. But there are also times of great protection (from the Lord of course) and happiness from multiple people that the Lord brought into my life (you all know who you are!!!).
Nonetheless, here I sit (more often than I care to admit) paralyzed by my feelings of worthlessness. The feelings that, if I talked it out with someone, would seem completely irrational. Then why do they seem so vivid and close? Why do they permeate my day? Why do they never go away?
I have been feeling the need to find a study on the character of God. So, then I can really know the Truth about His feelings for me and His actions for my good (read: not to be confused with an easy life. Just my good that draws me nearer to Him and brings Him the Glory!).
So, while I don't have any answers or great revelations to share today. I leave you with the honest truth about me. I am a sinner. I wallow in my own feelings more often than I'd like to admit. Although I try, I have issues that stop be from doing and being the wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend that I was created to be. I'm still trying to work through this. I pray that one day I can write a Part II to this post about how I kicked my tapes to the curb and found my worthiness solely and completely in Him.
Do you play any tapes to yourself? How did you kick 'em to the curb? Do you know of any good studies on the character of God?